Less

Less: it's a broad word. A word full of possibility and stress. A word that can guide or terrify.

Less. 

I want less. I want less things. I want less cleaning and less stress. I want to hold onto less. 

Less= more

More freedom. More time. More peace.

Overwhelmed

Lately I've been feeling fairly overwhelmed. There just always seems to be a lot going on and I feel like I'm not managing it well.

I've decided that there are things I need to change but there is too much to do it all at once so I've decided to do it slowly instead so I don't get burnt out.

One of those things is self-care. I need to take care of myself better: drink more water, exercise, get enough sleep. Well this month I decided the only thing I was going to concentrate on changing was drinking more water. 64 ounces a day.

Maybe making one small change will help move into bigger changes.

Christmas hang over

Anyone else have a Christmas hang over? 

I say I want to live with less, live more mindfully and with greater focus on what's important and yet...

When the glow of the holidays fade I find I did the exact opposite of that. I got caught up in what was least important. In the momentary glitter and not in the things with the soft eternal glow. In the stuff and not in the people.

I need to find ways to stay focused.

Stuff guilt

I, like most people I know, own a lot of stuff.

Probably too much stuff.

For a bit over a year now I've been making a serious effort to get rid of a bunch of stuff we never use or will likely never need again.

Out the door has gone clothing, books, kitchen gadgets, college papers, movies and even sewing supplies.

I've tried to think more carefully about what I'm bringing in. Instead of buying books, I've checked the library and waited for a copy. Instead of purchasing items for new projects, I've more carefully dug through what I have already.

I've tried to think it through for myself.

Then comes my oldest son's 4th birthday.

We bought him stuff. Maybe too much stuff. Then the grandparents bought him stuff. Then we had a party and was given stuff.

I'm not ungrateful for the things he was given. We had a lovely time at the party and they are things he will enjoy but I'm wondering where to draw the line.

It's much, much easier to flow the tide of my own consumption but not so easy to think it through for my kids.

Transitions and changes

I am not by nature a gentle person.

I'm in th quiet side when you first meet me because I hate small talk and generally like to get a feel for people and situations before I engage too much. Some people will at first confuse that quietness with timidity but it's not.

I yell at the tv when I'm listening to something that ticks me off.

I can rant on a moments notice and often tend to be the bull in the china shop because I really honestly don't pick up on a lot of the nuances in the culture where I currently live.

All that being said, I feel a strong call these days to live a more gentle life - more gentle with my family, more gently with the world around me and more gently with myself.

My intent here is to give myself a bit of accountability as I start this and to be honest about the difficulty of change. I want to be more gentle and that's a complete contradiction to my normal character. I want to change but font believe it will be easy. 

B is for Babywearing and Breastfeeding

Ah, the letter B. There were a lot of things I considered doing for the letter B but these two made the most sense to me.
First, the nice little controversial topic of breastfeeding. It’s amazing how much one little topic can create controversy. There are countless medical studies about the benefits of breastfeeding and countless opinion pieces about how much it’s “not a big deal.”
I won’t lie. It was tough at first. So very, very tough. I cried every day for probably two weeks. I’m sure hormones had something to do with it. Then for the first month when he wanted to feed every hour and a half, I kept thinking about how nice it would be to kick my husband out of bed with the baby and a bottle so I could get some sleep.
Now? I really love it. I love having him cuddled up next to me and I love how happy he is when he’s nursing. I love how excited he gets when I grab the boppy because he knows he’s going to be able to nurse. I love the relaxed feeling I get from all the nice hormones that come along with it. I love the cuddle time. I love how relaxed it makes him.
Strangely, I even miss the middle of the night feeding sessions right now. I’ve never been a great sleeper and I didn’t realize just how much those nursing hormones had been helping me get rested. Now that he’s sleeping in five hour stretches, I’m getting less sleep because I don’t get relaxed and doze back off.
I didn’t think I’d ever miss those 2 am sessions, but I do.
Weird.
I guess I’m just trying to say how much I enjoy it now. How much I treasure our nursing time and how short it really is. I’m going to miss it when it’s gone.
The other B? Babywearing. This one I kind of fell into by necessity.
Wiggles does not care to be left by himself to play. This is especially true if he’s overtired or teething or not feeling well for some reason. Tara loaned me a moby wrap and I loved that thing when he was little. He’d cuddle in and generally doze right off.
Since he’s gotten heavier, the stretchy wrap really isn’t supportive enough for him. These days I either tend towards either a woven wrap or a ringsling.


Neither of these is a really great picture of him in the ringsling. His bum should be in a deeper pocket and his knees much higher up. The picture of me was taken when I was first trying to learn to use it and didn’t quite have it down yet.
Phillip said that someone he knows is interested in sewing one so here’s all the information on it:
The material is a twill fabric that I bought from hobby lobby when it was on sale.
The rings are from slingsings.com . Don’t try and use craft rings or purse rings or anything like that. You really need something that is weight tested to keep the little one safe.
The instructions I used are found for free here at http://www.sleepingbaby.net/jan/Baby/sling.html and I used the pleating directions that are linked on that page.
It makes my life so much easier because while I can’t do dishes or cook, I can pick up around the house, transfer laundry into and out of the dryer and it makes wiggles happy to see what’s going on.
Hope that helps someone!

A is for Asher

Constant surprise, this business for being a Mommy.

And it goes so fast.

And there are so many things that I hope I never forget.

How it feels to wake up snuggled up to a little bundle contentedly sleeping away.

First smiles.

First kisses.

The way he helps me with the laundry by unfolded all that I've just folded.



The way his baby cry moved into a big boy cry that moved into a very verbal babble.

The way I cuddled with him the other night and he started babbling "mamamamamamamama" in a very upset manner.

The day that toes suddenly became exciting.

The day that the taste of toes became exciting.

Smiles during diaper changes.

Faces made when he doesn't like the food he's offered.


Faces made when he does.

Cuteness beyond belief.


The way I discovered it was possible to fall completely in love with someone the first moment you saw them.


The way he peeks around Daddy to try and find me.

The way he peeks around me to find Daddy.

The excited look he gets on his face when he realizes that someone is going to pick him up out of his car seat.

The way he wiggles to get where he wants even though he can't quite crawl yet.


How excited his face gets when he discovers that he can do something new.


The way his eyebrows turn bright red when he's tired.

The way he lays his head down and relaxes into me when he's getting sleepy but not quite willing to admit defeat.


yeah, this mommy business is some pretty good stuff.

Snapshot Sunday: Sitting and rolling and relaxing, oh my!

It's actually been a very interesting week around here. Asher is getting to that point where he is hitting a lot of milestones.

I don't have any pictures of this but he's finally rolling over! Yesterday he rolled from his tummy to his back about five times and actually obligingly rolled over for Daddy when he got home from work so he could see it too. He first rolled over around Christmas but it was obviously accidental. He's done it a few times since then but this is the first time where it's been really intentional. He still only rolls from back to tummy in his sleep but I'm sure that will come soon enough.

The next piece of excitement I do have pictures of!
Sitting...


uh-oh!


TIMBER!!!


It helps that he thinks that falling over is hilarious! Give him about three tumbles over and he gets so excited that he's laughing hysterically and his whole body stiffens up and he can't sit anymore because he's too excited about it. It's really cute.

This one last shot I took this morning. I like to title this one "Soft books: good for reading, better for relaxing."



He got too tired to keep looking and needed a break.

Snapshot sunday: Real Men Wear Pink

It's been another interesting week here. We've decided that nursing is not quite enough for bedtime anymore so we must make going to bed from a half hour process to a hour and a half to three hour process. We've got a good bedtime routine going but it's not really helping at this point.

Highlights of the week:
St. Patrick's day was on Thursday and Phillip decided he needed an outfit. We are calling this is Irish Farmer look



His bumbo has become just about his favorite place in the world. His exersaucer is still high on the list though!

It's amazing to watch him try to reach for things. Like the basket of toys under the end table.

I was almost afraid he was going to fall out!

I also feel the need to post this one:

'Cause you know his Daddy is going to be horrified that people know he wears pink!

In happy news, I'm dreaming again which means I"m actually getting into a deep enough sleep to actually dream. I think this week is the first time since he's been born that that's happened. I also don't feel like I need to go to bed with him at 7 every night. Some nights, yes but not every night anymore. He's still up a couple of times a night but it's settling into a good amount and I think we are all getting more sleep.

He's still not rolling over on any sort of regular basis. He gets up to his side and that's about it. We asked the doctor about it at the well baby visit but he wasn't worried. He said that his muscle tone is good and he'll get there when he gets there. Also, Asher is now at 17 pounds and 25 7/8 inches. He's not quite so high on the charts for height anymore but still growing at a good weight. Thankfully this slow down might mean that we do have a bit more time before needing to replace his car seat. He's growing out of it fast!

Baby Weight

Yup, I'm here to talk about weight. Specifically, baby weight. Not his, mine!

His weight is fine, he's gaining like a champ. Mine however seems to have come to a screeching halt as far as loss. It's driving me nuts. The problem is that I'm not even sure when I'd add any "real" exercise into my schedule. I'm currently 14 pounds up from my pre-baby weight and I'd like to at least have some sort of a plan. I've never been good at dieting or sticking to an exercise program because I've never really needed to.

My current plan of attack is to try and food diary for a week and add at least a half hour walk in the afternoon as the weather allows.

I'm open to any suggestions on how to fit in exercise in with a high needs baby!

Another baby stuff update for mom et al.

Phillip is totally on a monkey kick and jungle stuff is so cute that I just went along with it. Here is the bedding we picked out along with a shot of the crib:





The crib converts up to a toddler bed and eventually up to a full size and also some kind of day bed thingy...Whether it'll actually be used past the toddler bed size, we'll see. It came with the piece to go to a toddler bed but you have to buy the rails seperetely and I can't imagine them still selling them in when we eventually need them. Ah well.

Toy storage: keeping with the monkey theme. It's an old basket but it'll work great for a little storage for now.




I guess that's all the shots I have for now. I will try to update this more regularly. Sorry guys!

More baby stuff...

No nursery pics to update because I did some rearranging yesterday until I hit things that I couldn't move. The result is that there is stuff right in front of the crib so I can't get good shots until probably tomorrow.

But!!!!
I do have a few more things to show off:


Okay, okay, I know. Still boring. This is a pile of prefold diapers meant to stuff into these:

Pocket diapers. Sewn by yours truly. When did I turn into suzy homemaker?

I've also done quite a few of these which are already pre-stuffed sewn in types called fitted diapers:


I've also knit quite a few of these to go over the diapers:


Last but not least for the daily line up is some monkey paper that is going to be used in some wall-art we are doing. But since it involves Wiggles name, you'll have to wait to see the completed project!

Nursery Makeover, pt 1

Okay, I promised Aim weeks ago that I was going to do this. Unfortunately, it's taken me this long to get around to it. For your infinite viewing pleasure I present you with the nursery - part 1, also known as "before the inlaws came and I got around to cleaning it and before anything was together."


Alright, that big box in the picture? That's the crib and the mattress. Also in the shot in the bag of wrapping stuff, several boxes or assorted...er, stuff and a whole lot of junk. Welcome to my world.



The box here is our glider. Very exciting, hey? Also pictured is the TV we don't know what we are doing with and the bucket of vinegar water from where I was mopping the walls. Yes, you read that right.


oooh, but check out this angle! This one actually has baby stuff in it! Meet the pooh bassinet that's full of baby clothes.We have more clothes than can fit in the dresser and that's just in 0-3 month size. We were given a crazy amount. That's not a complaint!

Shortly after all these pictures were taken, this came in!



So at least there was a place to put the clothing now ... hmmm.

Anyway, this wasn't a very exciting post. It was just to give you an idea of the space and crap I'm dealing with! Hopefully I'll take new pics this afternoon and post about progress tomorrow!

Writing Prompt: New Beginnings

"We change when the pain to change is less than the pain to remain as we are.” - Ed Foreman

Oblivion. Emptiness. Risk.

The edge of the cliff looms in the distance and you are suddenly aware that it approaches quickly. Although you have seen the cliff waiting for some time now, it has always appeared so far away. It was an ideal set obscurely in the future: pure and undefiled in your view and yet unattainable, unreachable.

It is the dream of what could be and yet somehow you never expected to get this close. You never knew what it would be to touch it, taste it, and feel the dream almost within your grasp. But as you see the edge of the cliff approaching, you finally know what it is. It is the unknown.

Safe. Secure. Comfortable.

It's what you've been for so long in the little world you've created for yourself. You may not think of yourself as happy but at least you are not afraid. You go day to day knowing what to expect. You get up and do the same things, work the same job and live the same life that you have for some time now. You've been waiting though, waiting for the right time for things to change. You've been waiting to move forward to reach beyond yourself and the quiet bubble you have chosen to live in. You didn't expect to live here forever. In fact, you didn't expect to live here this long but now that you see the cliff approaching and your life beginning to change, you feel it.

Fear. Anxiety. Trepidation.

These are the emotions that kept you in the same place for as long as you've been there. As the cliff approaches, they grow stronger and threaten to drown you. You've stopped now, just before the edge, unwilling to move any closer. You see the emptiness, the oblivion that awaits you in the unknown and your fear paralyzes you. You are waiting now for someone to tell you that there's been a mistake. This is not for you. You are not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough to jump from this cliff. The oblivion will tear you apart. The voices telling you that you will never be enough grow louder until they cannot be ignored. You breathe in as you try to calm yourself. You can always go back and you look over your shoulder towards the comfortable bubble that you've grown so fond of but something is different. You can't go back.

Stagnant. Suffocating. Trapped.

Looking back at the safe world you begin to see it for what it was. It was a prison that you constructed with your own hands. The walls may have been built to keep out all the things that frightened you but in the end, all they did was keep you in. You know now that you've come too far to go back to that world. It would be safe but it would never be comfortable again. You would be unsatisfied to remain in that world after being so close to the cliff. You step forward, your toes touch the edge and the world you lived in fades into the background where it now belongs. You breathe in again, calming your fear but also allowing yourself to feel the other emotions that have been trapped beneath the surface.

Anticipation. Excitement. Ecstasy.

The voices may prove to be right. You may never measure up to the ideal but then again, you might. Besides, who says this is your one shot? Is this the only cliff or even the only time you may approach this cliff? Who are these voices that claim to be the guardians, holding your hopes and dreams at bay? They are everyone. They are no one. Even with all the voices yelling, telling you who and what you should be, who and what you could be and how badly you might fail or how high you might soar, the only voice that matters is yours.

In the midst of the terror before you, the stagnation behind you and the voices around you, you find peace in the certainty that if you don't step forward, you've already failed. You've failed because you refused to try, to give up the suffocating comfort and let the winds of the unknown that lie just beyond this cliff, carry you into the world of what might be possible. So instead of giving into your own uncertainty, you take the only road that is truly available to you. It is the one that has been hovering in the future, waiting for you to discover what it might hold.

Breathe. Step. Fly.

52 books in 52 weeks

Alright, we're going to gives this another try this year.

And so far...nothing.

That is all.

Is it a bad sign...

that I'm procrastinating from a hobby?

Writer's block is a horrible, horrible place to be in. I have every idea of where the story is going and yet am completely failing in getting it on paper.
My characters are moody, they won't cooperate. One of them wants the kill the other off and really that doesn't work very well for the resolution of the story.

This sucks. I need a muse.

Catharsis

I had a crappy day yesterday. Seriously crappy. I didn’t sleep well that night, I didn’t have a quiet restful morning like I usually enjoy to start my day.
Then work came and it was one thing after another and I was stressed and my supervisor was stressed and even the main boss was obviously stressed.
By noon, I’d eaten all the chocolate stashed around my office and was ready to call it a day. Then I ended my day by covering my desk, computer and favorite wool pants in hot chocolate. Yeah, it was a crap day.

For the last two hours of work, all I could think was “I’m going running after work and I’ll blast something loud and shut the world out.” So I got home from work, I got dressed to run and…couldn’t find my earphone adapter. I really hate that I need an adapter use my MP3 on my phone. I had a freak out, dumped my huge messy purse and…nothing. Crap.

I may have stood staring at the mess for several minutes before deciding to suck it up and go run anyway. I’m trying very hard to stick to the training program so I tied my shoes and grumpily slammed the door on my way out.

I begrudgingly did a lap walking to warm up. It sucked. Then I started my timer and when it beeped, I took off up the little hill in front of my house. I hit that hill faster than I should have but by the end of the second run set, I felt good. Actually, I felt great.

All my crappy emotions just poured into that physical release of my feet hitting the pavement. I think maybe I’m starting to get the appeal. I don’t claim to be in shape enough or experienced enough to claim this as the infamous “runner’s high,” but it was cathartic.

I’m looking forward to my next run. For the first time in my life, my lazy butt is moving and I’m truly enjoying the process.

Never thought that would happen.

Some general observations:
1. I need to drink more water. I find I'm fairly easily dehydrated.
2. I need to work on my breathing. That sounds funny but I have to be very conscious of it.
3. I'm glad I started this.

So what did I get myself into this time?

It's been almost a year since I decided that I might be interested in taking up running. Due to waiting on a whole list of things in my life to happen, I never got started. I finally got tired of waiting for my life to start and figured I needed to start it myself.

This morning, I went running. I'm following a program called "Couch to 5k." It can be found here:
I got new shoes and a new sports bra since I hadn't owned one since high school. This morning, I just got up and did it.

I didn't run fast and admittedly I was much slower at the end then I was at the beginning but I did day 1, week 1. I'm going to hurt tomorrow, I'm sure of it. But I'm pretty proud of myself right now. I lack a lot of motivation in my life and I'm trying to change that.

Tomorrow morning: yoga. Then on tuesday back to running. Give me 3 months and I'm going to have really hot legs if the amount I feel them right now is any indication.

Mood Music: Small enough

All praise and all honour be
to the God of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history
But tonite my heart is heavy
and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"
- Nicole Nordemann

My heart bleeds today for those dead, those hurt, those still trapped and those grieving in Haiti today.

Oh great God, be small enough to wrap your arms around each one who needs you.