Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas, happiness and priorities

Three years in a row now I've spent Christmas in either a funeral home or a hospital room. Obviously not for myself, in the case of the funeral home.
I do a lot of whineing in my life.
And yes, I'm a little too emo for my own good.
But sitting here, in a hospital room on christmas day, I'm content.

I'm content because everyone is going to be ok.
I'm content because I get to watch my husband who really is at his very best when he's needed.
I'm content because at the end of the day, it's not about where you are but about who you are with.

So no emo mood music today. No depressing rants. Just a deep contentment that everything is going to be ok.

In the end, that's all that matters.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Mood Music: This week the Trend

And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up
cause I know that I don't want to die
sitting around watching my life go by
and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up
- Reliant K

When the heck did I become an EMO? Seriously, if I were ten years younger I would fit right in with the high school emo kids.
Maybe I've always had a bit of a depressed personality but really I only get that way when I'm stressed out or extremely introspective. Although, with the way I choose to live my life lately, that's about 90% of the time.
I guess I feel a little stuck lately. My other mood music choice was Dare you to Move by Switchfoot because I feel like I need a kick in the rear lately to get me moving. My PhD applications are in though and that may also be the source of my stress.
I never, ever feel like I'm good enough. I never feel like I have enough to offer. Freaking years of counseling haven't taken that away.

Yup. Definately way too emo for my own good today.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Mood Music: Innocent by Our Lady Peace

Oh, Tina's losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music, hates all of her clothes
Dreams of surgery and a new nose
Every calories a war
While she wishes she was a dancer
and that she never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
and make her feel beautiful


I find it's a good idea to let go and lose yourself every once in a while. I think that's where I've been for some time but things are starting to become a little clearer again.

The question becomes, will I find myself the same person as I left behind? I hope not. I hope I find myself someone else, not out of an objection to who I was before but because if I'm the same, what was the point?

Let's try and set some personal goals again, shall we?

Meh, I suck at setting and keeping personal goals. I am the first person you want on your side if there is a deadline to meet and the last person you want if it's a project that needs to be done...whenever. Quite frankly, whenever is like tomorrow in my world: it never comes.

So here I am again, but maybe this time I'll try setting mini goals. Not like - "loose 15 pounds" but "get your butt out of bed and do yoga so your back doesn't hurt so much."

Actually, I think I'm going to try to start with "put two things in the box to take to goodwill everyday this week." Seriously, our apartment is a pit right now and half of it is because we have too much stuff. Way too much stuff. I rant on and on how I'm tired of junk, how I really would prefer to just skip the material goods presents this year for Christmas and then I go and plan another yarn order. Yup, I'm slightly hypocritical but I am tired of not having a place for everything in my apartment.

So once again, it's time to pass some of it on to someone else who could use it. It's time to let go and make more room in my house for...moving? Sitting? Breathing?

Let's see how mini goals work for me this time.